Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
