I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
