Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
