im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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