the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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