The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
