just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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