my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
that may or may not have been my penis.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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