your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
