dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize