My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
