I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
