she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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