If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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