I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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