so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
