my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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