dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
