I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
