Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
