Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
