cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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