Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
