dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
