We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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