She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
