pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
