I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
