Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
