he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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