I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
