If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
