Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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