saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
God gave him joint rollers for hands
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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