I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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