I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
