I checked into jail on foursquare
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
