When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
