I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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