it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
