I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
So squirting runs in the family.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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