So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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