don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
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