there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I wish life had little blips of pornography
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
