the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
And then the night went full on bisexual.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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