i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
