It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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