I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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