Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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