and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
